It was during my second year in college that I had experience one of the roughest mental experiences in my entire life. Three months of deep, dark and tumultuous mental conflict which stemmed from varying stimuli. I continue to be transparent through these blogs because I know the vast impact it will have on people that are going through similar experiences.
"Your current affliction will be a testimony for someone's future miracle" - Sean L. Ennis
It might be taboo for many but Christians do get depressed and are not exempt from mental fatigue, illnesses or distress. Regardless of how some may paint a picture of total redemption from earthly sorrows I was experiencing a continuous season of trauma. My immediate support system were not in close geographical proximity, my spiritual life was seemingly failing and I didn't feel good enough regarding my self worth, all that and more resulted in negatively affecting my academic performance at the time.
I felt totally alone with no one to relate to, I also hid my inner turmoil quite well. Men or more so the mentally ill/depressed are good at hiding their fatigue. Most times it's for the sake of trying to deal with it on our own terms. I tried dealing with them on my own and nothing worked, this propelled me into appeasing my stress through sexual gratification. Committing sexual immoral practices according to my faith propelled me deeper into depression as I valued(and still do) my spiritual well being highly and wanted to please God as best as possible.
Many of us are dying internally and thinking no one notices or is able to help us because they can't relate to what we are going through .
That's actually true, they can't relate to what 'we' are going through but can relate to going through something painful themselves. Never think you are the only person experiencing affliction that is crippling or sanity threatening. People went through, are going through and will go through pain in differing ways, just like we are. I thought all the poker facing hid my inner pain....It didn't.... I remember a lecturer of mine saw me after class one day and said
"What's wrong? This is not the Sean I know"
I was shocked, I could not believe she knew, thinking I was hiding it so well.
I then confessed to her that I wasn't fully well and she recommended me to the guidance counselor for a session which I obliged to after she took the initiative to set some dates for me. (Forever grateful)
... I realized this when my close friends started to notice something was wrong and forcibly got me to speak about it after my many denials. Everyone needs those kind of friends, those who will fight for you being your best you regardless of your stubbornness. My immediate family being absent due to work, school and uncontrollable reasons were a major cause to my bottled feelings, aside from me thinking I could handle it alone.
REACHING MY CAPACITY
I was given the opportunity to get professional help and it helped a little but surely didn't provide me with all the answers and help I needed. I was grateful for it but was still in an emotional rut, I used to cry many nights when I couldn't sleep, because the negative thoughts would not leave my mind and I would rather sleep than be awake to experience the nightly torture. I overthought a lot, demonized myself because I was a struggling Christian who was highly gifted, impacted many lives and was over indulging in ALL manner of sexual activities outside the precinct of marriage. Self Condemnation was high, suicidal thoughts were active, feelings of hopelessness were intensified and the pain became numbing at one point. So I brokenly pursued to get spiritual help and the only way I knew was through fasting and prayer.
Having a Grandma being miraculously healed from stage 4 cancer, there was a glimmer of faith left in me that God could have helped my severe mental afflictions like He did for her. My faith was truly shaken,
I was dealing with serious thoughts of unbelief towards 'Christianity' and doubted that God could truly deliver me. So I embarked on a week of fasting but, before I did that I decided to embark on a week of prayer as I thought my faith was truly too low to haphazardly go on a fast of that nature. So I prayed daily, nothing happened, I could not feel God's touch or nearness. This made me very distraught but I continued until the fourth day, after feeling repeatedly rejected by God the only word that could leave my mouth in prayer was "God" not a sentence, not a paragraph, just ONE WORD. While getting up off my knees, sobbing and feeling like this was it, there was no hope for me, like Paul and Silas in prison I had a "suddenly". Unexpectedly, Suddenly, Out of Nowhere I started praising God, uncontrollably I started lifting high praises to him in the room I was in, then I felt this eminent presence and I could not deny that it wasn't God. I felt hands like velvet hold on to mine and started dancing cheerfully with me and I started to weep, as I wept I physically felt this enormous weight lifting off me. I could not explain it and truly it may sound foolish to some but I experienced a miracle. Every weight associated with that 3 month long dark time of depression lifted AT ONCE and all this happened before I evened embarked on that said week of fasting.
It is ironic that after 4 days I had my miracle,
like Lazarus many of us will experience God when our will has maximized and we have no more room to do it on our own.
Our faith may be low during painful experiences but God's faithfulness remains active and potent. This testimony of overcoming depression is real and I want to implore anyone that's reading that my hopelessness to hopefulness is enough for you to know that miracles can and WILL happen for you, even when you give up, God's love is far reaching and unchangeable enough to rescue us when we would have abandoned Him and restore us when we would have questioned His existence or delivering abilities.
I am a living witness of Him thinking, that I was worth saving.
Written by: Sean L. Ennis
Scriptures for the Moment: Romans 8:18 & 28
Song for the Moment:
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